My Other Self
by TakatoRikku
Summary: From the overused Twin plot comes another story featuring another twin! See through the view of Harry's brother as he battles dark wizards, teachers, and the hoards of girls he's pissed off. Harry? HaruDaphne
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: This story is just a fan fiction, it will not make profit off of Ms. J.K. Rowling and it may cause some ROFLing to occur. You've been warned.

Heheheh. Tell me what you think, and I may continue it!

In the Northren reaches of Scotland, there lay a magnificant castle upon an expansive land with rolling hills and large lakes. Surely it would have been a fantastic place to live, own, visit, or tour, however, to 90 percent of the world's population, it did not exist. The main reason for this was not because of a top-secret government facility, or anything like that. It was simply because that this castle and its surronding lands was segregated from the rest of the world. The rest of the world who didn't know magic, of course.

This huge castle overseeing an equally large lake (with a giant squid to boot) was called Hogwarts, and housed the UK's brightest (and not-so-brightest) children, all of whom came for the education it provided. For Hogwarts was a magical school, offering teachings of such inane things like turning useless crap into more useless crap, or making feathers float and taking care of creatures that were crimes against nature.

Why the not-so-sunny disposition towards said school? Well first of all, the one this story is centered around is currently inside of this school's headmaster's office, though not by his own choice. Second of all, said person is surrounded by a bunch of wizards and witches, who are all currently staring at him like some sort of super-amassed tumor or something. Last but not least, they had picked him up from his apartment in Shinigawa, Tokyo, right when he was about to get lucky with a Japanese schoolgirl. A cute one too!

"So, do you mind explaining _why_ you have deprived me of hot Asian sex?" the young man asked, crossing his well-shaped arms across his chest. "I mean, come on guys, I know at least half of you saw her naked! Any man would've given me at _least _ten minutes!"

Said young man was sitting crossly in the large chair facing the headmaster's desk, glaring around unhappily. He looked to be about fifteen years old, and was handsomely built in figure and face. He had long raven black hair, which was tied back into an excruciatingly neat ponytail with a red ribbon tied cleanly at the back of his head, and a smaller one keeping the end of the tail in order. He had a short fringe that wasn't tied back falling over his forehead, which reached to just above his eyes, trimmed accordingly to a center point so that they curved with his eyebrows. His eyes were delicately shaped, an odd thing on a male, but worked nicely with it, with lumniscient emerald green irises and naturally large almond-shaped eyes with long, thick eyelashes. Added to his perfect facial features, thin lips and arched nose, he was very good-looking, with an aristocratic air. Never mind about the several hoops that were adorning each ear, two on the bottom, one on the top, or the tattoos that covered the sides of his eyes, which made him look like a delinquint. The tattoo was of a tribal design, and it curved around his eyes, covering the temple and going from his eyebrows to the top of his cheek. The one on the right was large, and had several arched lines that made a beautiful pattern, while the one on the left was miniscule, just a few lines covering his eyebrow and a wicked curve that went down to his cheek. His eyebrows had been shaved off to compensate for the inked replacements.

He currently wore clothing that most teenagers nowadays would wear. A fancy-looking black leather jacket with few buttons and pockets was on top of a tight white long sleeved shirt, which was also covered by a black vest for some reason. He wore black khakis and ankle-high boots that looked like slim Doc Martin's. His waist was adorned by thick leather belts that held a triangle-shaped plate on his back, which had two clamps on each side.

An elderly old man with a long white beard smiled benignly at him from across the desk, while the big red bird peered at him curiously. "Forgive us for... interrupting your leisure time," Albus Dumbledore said, steepling his fingers. "However it was imperative that you were to be brought to Hogwarts immediately, for your own safety."

The young man rolled his eyes. "I had a condom you know," he told Dumbledore. "No need to haul me half across the damn planet. You could've just tossed me a rubber while you were there you know."

"I wasn't talking about sexual protection," Dumbledore said, while some of the other people present shifted uncomfortably. "However I am pleased to know that you are taking precautions towards such a thing. No, the real reason you are here for protection is because there is an evil man out there that wishes to kill you."

"Yeah? Add him to the list," the boy said impetuously. "It'll be a six month waiting list, less if he _really_ wants me dead."

Dumbledore nodded thoughtfully. "Ah, I had thought that you some troubles," he said, nodding towards a tall black man in red robes, who was holding onto two long curved swords in his hands. "Or you wouldn't need such things."

"Uh huh," the boy said with a yawn. "Listen, if we're done here, I'd kinda like to get back home. Japanese girls are easily offended when you don't do your end of the deed, and I don't wanna be on the end of a vengeance curse. So... Portkey me the fuck outta here."

"Please," he added after an afterthought.

Dumbledore sat back with a smile. "So you _do_ know of the magical world," he said pointedly.

The boy made a sour face. "Magical world?!" he mock-gasped. "No fucking way! I can't believe there's such a thing! You know, after having found out ten years ago that I can make shit happen out of the blue, and instantly appear wherever I want whenever I want - Come on, gimmie a break. Even a blind muggle with amputed legs and a slightly retarded disposition could find out about the magical world that easily."

"Be that as it may," Dumbledore said, ignoring the boy's rant, "Would you perhaps listen to me if I explained why you must stay here?"

The boy reclined back in his chair, kicking his feet up onto the desk and scattering some silvery objects. Some of the people in the room sputtered angrily, but Dumbledore didn't mind. "Here's a tip:" he offered. "Bribe me with stuff, then I'll listen. I'm actually quite hungry at the moment, if you catch my drift."

"I have indeed caught it," Dumbledore smiled, snapping his finger. A house elf appeared.

"What can Tibby be doing for Headmaster?" the little creature asked.

"Please bring up a plate of some of the opening feasts' food for this young gentleman," Dumbledore told the elf. Tibby nodded and snapped her fingers, making a huge plate of heavy English food appear on the desk.

"Sweet," the boy said, taking his feet off and digging into the steak and kidney pie. "Always had a thing for English food, but I'll always love Japanese. So, staying here, what?"

Dumbledore nodded. "I do not know if you realize it or not, but your life is in grave danger, even more than usual," he added, cutting off the boy's reply. "The evil man I spoke of is perhaps the most powerful Dark wizard in the world - "

"Not Dark," the boy interrupted.

"Pardon me?" Dumbledore asked, puzzled.

"Light and Dark do not factor in with Good and Evil," the boy explained, as if he were talking to a two year old. "There can be Good Dark wizards, and Evil Light wizards. Magic is magic, don't confuse it with feelings and emotions."

Dumbledore let out a genuinely large smile. "I believe that we will get along fine," he told the boy, who shrugged and continued gorging himself. "Now, I shall correct myself: This evil wizard calls himself Lord Voldemort - "

"I'm sorry," the boy interrupted again, his face on the verge of letting out a huge grin. "'Lord Voldemort'? Is he gay?"

"Not that I know of," Dumbledore replied. "His real name is Tom Marvolo Riddle."

"He's got to be gay then," the boy mused, before waving his hand for Dumbledore to continue. The old man looked amused for a moment.

"Sexual preferences aside, Tom is quite powerfully magically, and at the moment, politcally," Dumbledore said. "His return a few months ago was publicly denied by our Ministry of Magic, so he pretty much has free-reign to do whatever he wants."

"Your ministry is run by a bunch of jerk-offs then," the boy yawned, having finished his plate. "I say we kill 'em all."

"Maybe later," Dumbledore said absentmindly. "All joking aside, I have great reason to believe that Tom will come after you."

The boy leaned forward. "He can try if he wants, but why?" he asked.

"What do you know about your parents?" Dumbledore asked.

The boy lounged back. "Not much, only that they gave me up for adoption when I was born," he said, searching his memory. "I got adopted by some family, they moved to Japan for work or something, then died and left me everything. I've been on my own since I was ten."

"That is sad to hear," Dumbledore said with sincerity. "However, the full story of that is much more complicated. You see, your parents had to give you away for your own safety. If they had kept you, you would not be living today."

"Well that sucks," the boy commented. "Why?"

"Because fourteen years ago, Tom wanted your family dead," Dumbledore said gravely. "There was a prophecy concerning your family, and the only way for you - and the wizarding world at whole - to be safe was to remove you from your family."

He looked as old as he was supposed to. "It was... not the easiest choice your parents had to make. Lose one son forever, or both? It broke your poor mother's heart."

"Eh? Both?" the boy asked, his interest piqued. "I have a brother?"

Dumbledore smiled widely. "Why yes, you do," he said. "A twin brother, who goes by the name of Harry Potter."

"Sounds gay," the boy said casually, illiciting a shocked gasp from a stern looking witch in green robes.

"I assure you, he is most definitely not," Dumbledore replied. "Would you like to meet him? He is waiting outside..."

The boy shrugged. "Yeah sure," he said. "Why the hell not? If he's my twin, then I can blame all the shit I do on him."

-----

Dumbledore ignored this as he called Harry into the office. Said young man walked in with a bewildered look, seeing half of the Order inside. "Professor?" he asked. "Is everything okay? You normally never contact me during the summer."

"Are you shitting me?" a boy came out of nowhere and stood in front of him. "Are you sure this is my twin? I mean, what the hell happened to him? He looks like an anorexic, five foot clone, not a twin?"

"Professor?!" Harry asked desperately. "What's going on?!"

"Harry, meet Haru," Dumbledore said with an insane twinkle in his eye. "Your older brother by two minutes."

"Ha!" Haru laughed, poking Harry in some places. "I'm the older twin! Suck!"

"Most definitely," Dumbledore agreed, making Harry drop his jaw in shock. "Since you were born at 11:57 Haru, Harry was born at 11:59, just as the seventh month dies, therefore he was the target for Voldemort, instead of you."

"Eh?" Haru asked.

"What are you talking about Professor?" Harry asked in a hard tone. "Just what is going on?! All of a sudden, I have a twin brother I've never heard about?"

"Whoa, talk about Emo," Haru snickered to himself.

"Yes, you are twin brothers," Dumbledore said serenely. "It is perhaps one of the best-kept secrets in the wizarding world, your brother's dissapearance. You see Harry, Haru, there was a prophecy made about the defeater of Voldemort, and sadly, both of you were ideal candidates. I will explain more later, but basically, the prophecy foretold of the one to vanquish Voldemort would be born as the seventh month (July) dies. Since we had found out that Lily was expecting twins, we knew that one of you would be the prophecy child. It was all up to chance to see which one it would be. When Haru came out of your mother's womb first, we immediately knew that Harry could be marked by Voldemort, and that Haru would most likely be killed in the trade. So, James and Lily did the hardest thing any loving new parent could do: they gave you up. In doing so, they saved not only your life, but the life of your brother and the wizarding world as well."

His eyes twinkled. "However, I did not expect such a character as yourself to appear before me, Haru," he said. "You are a sharp contrast to your brother here."

"You got that right!" Haru said loudly, jerking his thumb towards Harry. "I mean seriously old man, if he's the saviour, why does it look like a gentle summer breeze could tip him over?!"

"I am _not_ weak!" Harry protested.

"I assure you Haru, Harry is anything but weak," Dumbledore added. "He has faced many hardships in his short life, though from what I've heard, nowhere near as much as you. Some of the stories revolving around you are quite... graphic."

Haru merely shrugged. "I grew up with the 'caged animal' mindset," he said nonchalently. "Don't take shit from nobody, and everything's good. Can I have my stuff back?"

"As long as you promise not to kill any of us," Dumbledore said with a smile.

Haru snickered. Kingsley warily gave the boy his matching daitos back, and Haru clamped them onto the triangular device on his waist, so they hung in an X behind him. The tips of the sayas scraped against the ground quietly as he walked about. Dumbledore then gave him his wand back. Haru peered over it meticulously, making sure that it wasn't damaged in any way. The ten inch red cherry wand with unicorn hair looked to be in normal condition, so he slid it into his bicep holster on his left arm. Haru's holster was placed there because he could stand around with his arms crossed, and draw his wand without anyone knowing.

"So... what happens now?" Harry asked, standing beside his twin, though he still hardly believed what was going on. It was too much to take in at the moment.

"Can I go home now?" Haru asked. "Seriously, if I don't get some poon -"

"Going home is no longer an option," Dumbledore said sadly. "Voldemort knows of your location, thanks to your past instances of... flaunting your abilities to your enemies."

Haru looked scandalized. "And how else do you fight someone?" he asked incredulously. "'Oh hey, I'm going to cast a bone breaking curse at you, get ready!' Not likely."

Dumbledore nodded. "Be that as it may, your home is most likely compromised."

"So I'll move somewhere else."

"You do not understand," Dumbledore said, a little annoyance in his voice. "There is nowhere safe in your hometown anymore. Voldemort will surely make sure that the entire city is watched over with his many agents."

"I thought Voldemort only had his Death Eaters and Inner Circle?" Harry asked, confused.

"Not true," Sirius Black said, stepping up. "During the first war, Voldemort had _huge_ numbers at his command. Not only did he have his Death Eaters, but he also had giants, vampires, werewolves, dementors and even more dark creatures. When most of the families that were publicly against him went into hiding, those that weren't under the Fidelius had their homes staked out by hundreds of Voldemort's army. If Dumbledore says that you can't go, you bloody well believe that you _can't go home_."

Haru looked at the darkened man with wide eyes. "Gotcha," he said shortly. "So who am I crashing with then? How bout her?"

He pointed to Tonks, whose hair turned a menacing bloodred. "Okay, fine then," Hary said quickly. "Miss out on the orgasms for all I care. Well?"

Dumbledore stroked his beard. "Considering that Harry will be spending the rest of his summer at headquarters, I think it wouldn't hurt for you to be there as well," he surmised. "You are, after all, family."

"Family other than the Dursleys..." Harry muttered to himself.

"Headquarters?" Haru asked. "Like your super-secret meeting place where you discuss your plans and all that fanfare?"

"Something like that," Sirius said. "It actually my old dump of a house."

"Wow, that just took my respect of you down a few notches," Haru commented. "Well, let's get moving then. If I'm not getting any, then I'm getting sleep."

-----

"Ara ara, this place _is_ a dump!" Haru commented in shock upon entering Number 12, Grimmauld Place. (My my,)

"You think I was joking?" Sirius asked dryly. "Grim old place, this is. Get it??"

"Lame," Hary muttered, as they passed by a bunch of curtains covering a portrait. "Hey, who's behind -"

"No!" Sirius, Tonks and Remus whisper-shouted at him, grabbing his limbs.

Haru looked confused as Sirius and Remus had his arms, and Tonks had him around the waist. "Er, no offence guys, but I don't like you _that_ much," he told the men. He glanced down at Tonks' bubblegum hair. "You on the other hand..."

She pointed her wand at his crotch. "You wanna keep that thing?" she asked dangerously.

"I wouldn't mind it, thanks."

After a short tour, Harry and Haru were left alone in one of the bedrooms, sitting awkwardly across from eachother on their respective beds.

"So..."

"Yeah..."

"What's Japan like?" Harry asked boldly.

Hary's face lit up. "Fucking great!" he said enthusiastically. "First, there's the food..."

They chatted for a few hours, getting to know eachother and falling into a brotherly routine just as the door opened, and admitted two people.

It was Ron and Hermione, Harry's best friends. The red headed Weasley male had looked to have grown an inch or so, though he was still as gangly as ever, the mountains of food consumed at Hogwarts seemingly having no effect on his growth. As for Hermione, she looked very nice, having tamed her wild brown hair some, and she even looked like she wore a little makeup as well. Harry supposed that she had decided to keep up her looks after the Yule Ball last year. Haru watched the two with interest while they stopped dead in their tracks and gawked at him.

"Hey, I know I'm good-looking and all, but it gets creepy when guys stare at you like that," he said with a smirk. "You gay or something?"

Ron tore his eyes away from Haru angrily. "No I'm not gay!" he said vehemently. "Who the bloody hell are you?"

"Haru."

"Haru?"

"I'm this guy's brother," Hary explained, jerking his thumb towards Harry. "Surprise!"

"Are you _really_?!" Hermione asked excitely. "I can see the similarities! Although you're a lot... different than Harry is..."

"Translation: I'm sexier than you," Haru told his younger brother of two minutes. Harry rolled his eyes while Hermione flushed.

"I didn't say that!" she protested.

Haru raised an eyebrow. "So now you're callin' me ugly?" he asked her. "It's the tattoos, isn't it? Damn it, why are people turned off by tattoos?!"

"It's not that!" Hermione said quickly. "I just meant that..."

"Well if I'm not sexy or ugly, what am I?" Haru asked with an amused grin. "I can't be normal, can I?"

"You're annoying!" Hermione finally exploded.

"You're sexy!" Haru countered, making her turn horribly red and lose all thought processes. Ron looked fit to murder him.

"Hey!" he shouted. "Hermione is _not_ -"

"I wouldn't finish that sentence," Haru warned Ron, backing away from him and Hermione.

"No, by all means Ronald, do continue," Hermione said with a dark gleam in her eyes.

"You sure do like to stir things up," Harry commented as he stood beside his twin.

"Makes life interesting," Haru replied as Hermione lit into Ron about how to properly treat the fairer sex. Two loud pops scattered their brains as two red headed men apparated into the room.

"Well, if it isn't Harry and ... Harry?" Fred asked as he caught site of Haru.

"Blimey mate, you've got to teach us that trick!" George said, peering at Haru curiously. "How'd you manage it?"

"Hey look, more twins!" Haru said, pointing at the two.

"Twins?" George asked.

"Are you saying -"

"That you two are twins?" they said in their twin speech.

Haru gaped at them. "We have _got _to learn that shit!" he told Harry excitedly. "Although I bet Occlumency and Legillimency would do the same thing..."

"It gets old real fast," Harry muttered. "Guys, this is my long-lost twin brother, Haru."

"Haru?" Ron asked, having fled from Hermione's grasp. "What kind of name is that?"

"It's Japanese, _boke!_" Haru barked. (It's Japanese, dumbass!)

"That's quite a coincidence, it's like Harry in Japanese," Hermione noted.

"I assure you, it's total coincidence," Haru told her. "Either that or my parents were really lame."

"So what brings you to this humble hovel?" Fred asked, plopping down on Harry's bed.

"Same old, same old," Haru said dismissively. "Someone trying to kill me, must be moved for safety and all that jizz."

"All that..." Hermione murmured to herself.

"_What _is all that noise?" a voice asked, as its owner came into the room. Ginny looked at Haru curiously. "You must be Haru."

"How do_ you_ know?" Ron asked her.

"I overheard mum and dad talking about him," Ginny retorted. "Eavesdropping Ronnikins, that's the term we use."

"Man, this house is full of some good-looking girls if I say so myself," Haru pointed out. "Any others that I'm not aware of?"

"Emmeline Vance," George said.

"You've seen Tonks," Fred added.

"Ooh, what about Hestia Jones?"

"She's not exactly young brother of mine..."

"But she's not exactly old either! And you know what they say about older women..."

"Cougers!" they both finished with a dirty grin.

"Okay, well I'm sufficiently grossed out," Ginny muttered, leaving the room. "Oh yeah, Dumbledore wants to talk to you Haru. Might as well follow me, I know where he is."

-----

"It's good to know that the rest of the castle isn't as flamboyant as the headmaster's office," Haru mused, as he loosened his Hogwarts tie. "God damn it! Why do we have to wear such gay uniforms! It makes me look like a _stooge_!"

"I think it's a good look for you," Hermione said, snorting slightly.

"Yeah, it goes well with the tattoos," Haru muttered. "And don't get me started on you!"

Hermione looked aghast. "What about me?" she asked, smoothing out her uniform.

"Do you _really_ want to know?" Haru asked, with a lecherous grin that she missed.

"Of course!"

"Okay," he said, closing his eyes and making a serious face while crossing his arm. "Your skirt is way too long, your shirt isn't tight enough across the chest, the covering robes hide that delicious body of yours, and lastly, I can _so_ tell you're not wearing a bra that enhances your cleavage."

Hermione, Harry and Ron looked at Haru in horror. Harry himself couldn't wonder why Haru would say such a thing at all!

"I'm supposed to look like a student, not a harlot!" Hermione fumed.

"I didn't mean whorish, just hot," Haru told her with an annoyed look. "What's wrong with that?"

"Because Hogwarts has a dress code," Hermione shot back. "There's no indecency!"

"There's nothing indecent with losing half a foot of skirt!" Haru argued. "I mean, come on! It's past your knees!"

"I happen to like it that way!"

"You've never gotten laid, have you?"

"How dare you!"

"Listen, I'm just tring to help you out here," Haru said, changing tactics. He drew his wand out. "How bout we make a bet?"

"What kind of bet?" Hermione asked warily.

"I bet you that if you look how I think you should, for a month, then you'll get noticed a helluva lot more," Haru said. "If I win, then you gotta keep dressing like that."

"And if you lose?" Hermione asked with a raised eyebrow. Harry and Ron couldn't believe that she was even considering it!

"I'll be your sex slave for a month," Haru said.

"That's still a win for you!"

"What are you talking about?! For all I know, you could be the quiet type who's into whips and ass paddles!"

"I am NOT into whips!"

"You forgot to mention ass paddles..."

"Enough!" Hermione shouted. "If you lose, then you have to be my personal non-sexual servant for a month! Is that acceptable?"

"Deal!" Haru said, shaking her hand with a grin. "Now, let me work my magic..."

The ride in the carraiges was an interesting ten minutes as Hermoine let Haru alter her Hogwarts uniform with his wand. Ron's face was red as they stepped out, and Harry stood meekly beside his brother, who had an arrogant grin on his face. Hermione was lacking her robes, and only wore he uniform, and she looked extremely nervous. She kept tugging at the hem of her much-shorter skirt - which barely covered her thighs - as if she were trying to make it longer. Her blouse and vest were a size smaller, and they clung tightly to her torso, clearly showing off her now-boosted chest. Even her hair had been tamed, with a bottle of some product that Haru wore in his hair, making it perfectly straight and wavy, all the way to the small of her back.

Haru gave an appreciative nod. While not stellar-looking or anything, Hermione was quite pretty, and it showed. She had long legs which finally showed off some creamy white thigh between the skirt and socks, and a great figure for someone her age. Even though she was nearly only sixteen, Haru made do with what little cleavage she had, and used a combination boosted and padded bra to help her out. Hermione had _not_ asked about where his knowledge of bras came from.

"I feel so exposed!" Hermoine said nervously, her cheeks flushed as she kept her hands on her skirt. "Did you have to make it so short?!"

"I could make it hang just above your ass if you want," Haru said with an evil smirk.

She looked furious. "No thank you!" she bit out. "When this is over, I'm going to have you doing the most disgusting jobs I can think of!"

"That's assuming that you'll win," Haru pointed out. "So far, your dear friends can't keep their eyes off of you. Looks like I'm gonna win."

Hermione shot her furious glare towards Harry and Ron, who were immediately looking away with innocent looks on their faces.

Haru stopped laughing long enough to look up at the beautiful castle that was now his home. "Wonder what house I'll be in..."


	2. Chapter 2

_"I expected to see you five years ago, young Potter,"_ the Sorting Hat whispered into Haru's mind.

"Yeah well I expected the female teachers here to be 26 and smokin' hot, but it appears that we're both wrong," Haru whispered back.

_"Cocky little shit, aren't you?" _the hat asked.

"You bet," Haru replied. "So, you gonna sort me or not?"

_"I'm working on it,"_ the hat answered dryly. _"It's a difficult choice, not unlike your brother's sorting."_

"How'd that go?"

_"Oh, he was too much of a pussy to get sorted into Slytherin,"_ the hat sighed. _"Damn shame too, he would've wiped the floor with all these pathetic weaklings."_

"So sort me into Slytherin."

_"Ehhh... I'm not quite sure if you belong in there actually."_

"Oh come on!"

_"Those that are sorted into Slytherin must be sly, cunning, and above all: smart enough not to get their dumb asses killed by ignorant Gryffindors and the like."_

"Take a look at the memory involving me, three Japanese prostitutes and a sumo wrestler."

_"... Great Merlin! _SLYTHERIN! THERE CAN BE NO OTHER HOUSE THIS MAN BELONGS IN!" the hat bellowed.

Hushed murmurs met Haru as he whipped off the Sorting Hat and tossed it to a scandalized McGonagall. He gave his exasperated brother a wink as he strutted towards the Slytherin table, checking it out.

_Hostile looks, hostile looks, whoa, smokin' hot babes!_

He went over to where a pair of girls were sitting, and sat down across from them, shoving two human-sized boulders out of the way. He was only mildly surprised when they turned out to be humans. "Hey there," he greeted both girls.

The both sniffed and turned their noses up at them. Haru wasn't deterred, and leaned over the table. "HEY THERE!" he screamed into their faces.

The both jolted, and one of them, a girl with chestnut hair and exquisite features, glared at him. "What?!" she hissed.

Haru leaned back. "And here I thought you were deaf," he muttered. "Name's Haru, how you doin'?"

The girl glared at him. "Daphne Greengrass," she answered haughtily.

"Tracy Davis," the other added just as snootily. "What's it to you?"

"Nothing, just wanted to greet the resident bitches," Haru answered, ignoring their outraged gasps as he piled food onto his plate.

-----

"He's great at making new friends, isn't he?" Ron asked sarcastically as half of the Slytherin table looked fit enough to murder Harry's brother.

"He hasn't even been here five minutes and he already has his own house against him," Hermione commented, eating with one hand as her other one kept the back of her skirt from riding up.

"At least he's taking the attention off of me," Harry grumbled, looking around warily. His reception back into Hogwarts was less than warm. Frigid, to be exact.

-----

"What did you just call us?!" Daphne growled. Haru thought she sounded quite sexy.

She had long chestnut coloured hair that was held up in a fashionable ponytail, though it still hung down to her ass, and she had many hairclips and ties that held her bangs and hair in a fancy style. She had a silghtly oval face with great features and aqua-coloured eyes that were captivating. She had a well-developed chest, an hourglass body (which was even more noticable because she was sitting down, and her waist was just curvaceous) and long legs (they reached Haru's feet from across the damn table!). Her uniform was almost exactly like Hermione's Haru-designed set, so everything and anything was visible to the eager eye.

Tracy herself was similar to her friend, albiet with dirty blond hair, honey eyes and a curvier body.

"A definition describing your current behaviour and disposition?" Haru asked innocently.

Daphne threw her arms up and sighed dramatically. "I give up!" she cried in exasperation. "You're such a bloody annoyance!"

"Why thank you," Haru said with a small bow of his head. "Nice to know that I've still got it."

"What's the brother of Harry Potter doing in Slytherin?" Tracy asked suddenly.

"Something along the lines of finding the biggest, toughest house and beating the living shit out of it," Haru said airily.

"I'd like to see you try," Daphne snorted.

"Why Daphne, I didn't know that a girl of your stature snorted!" Haru said brightly.

"Shut it Potter," Daphne growled. "Before -"

"Before what?" Haru asked, his joking attitude suddenly gone. The calmness of how he spoke unnerved the girls.

"I suggest that you stop antagonizing your fellow... housemates Potter," an oily voice said behind Haru. Haru turned around to see Professor Snape standing there with a displeased look on his face.

"And you would be?" Haru asked, knowing fully who Snape was.

"Your head of house," Snape said imperiously.

"... And?" Haru asked plainly.

Snape's eye twitched. "And I would make sure to be courteous to the ones who will be putting up with you for the rest of your time at Hogwarts," he said darkly.

"More like I'd have to put up with _ikeike ich and ikeike ni_ over here," Haru said, pointing at Daphne and Tracy. (Bitch One and Bitch Two)

"What did you just say?!" Daphne demanded.

"Just the fact that you're a bitch, which had already been mentioned previous times," Haru said breezily.

"Ten points from Slytherin for insulting a member of your house!" Snape said angrily, making the others gasp. The man never took points away from his own house, he must have really hated any Potter to do it.

"It's like this," Haru told the girls, ignoring Snape and leaning forward again. "You're all pureblooded right?"

"Of course!" Tracy said, insulted.

Haru nodded. "Then it's to my understanding that your bloodlines have been joined through interbreeding with cousins and whatnot," he continued, making their jaws drop. "It's quite similar to how dogs breed, what with their siblings and what-not, so I was correct in stating that you are, indeed, bitches."

All was silent for a moment. Haru stood there, with his all-knowing face on while he crossed his arms while every Slytherin in the Great Hall stared at him with open loathing and violence in their eyes. Snape himself seemed to be visibly restraining himself from physically attacking the boy.

Daphne had no qualms about restraint, and she launched herself over the table at Haru, tackling him from his seat.

-----

"Oh no!" Hermione moaned, burying her face into her hands as she shook her head.

"Bloody hell, does he ever pick fights!" Ron gasped, as Daphne straddled Haru while she attempted to pummel his face into oblivion, while Haru himself was laughing his ass off, grabbing her wrists every once in a while. Snape seemed to be torn between stopping the fight and watching with vicious amusement, while the rest of Slytherin table started taking bets on who would win.

"Haru, what is wrong with you?!" Harry wondered out loud, as Haru grabbed Daphne's arms and locked them to her side, pulling her down so she was face-to-face with him.

"Hey Davis!" he shouted over Daphne's shoulder as she struggled. "Feel free to grab some body oil and jump in!"

"You bastard!" Daphne screamed, as she tried to knee him in the side. She was unsuccessful however, and Haru easily flipped them over so that he was on top of her now. "Let me go!"

"You started it!" Haru complained, swinging his head side to side since she had freed her arms, and was waving her fist at him again.

"What in Merlin's name is going on here?!"

The two stopped fighting and looked up to see Professor McGonagall standing over them with a furious look in her face. "Potter, get off of Miss Greengrass at once!"

"Fine, fine," Haru said, getting off the girl warily. "Just trying to get her under control."

"You lier!" Daphne yelled.

"From what the rest of the Great Hall saw, _you_ jumped _me_," Haru smirked.

"It doesn't matter who started it!" McGonagall snapped, her brisk tone halting their arguement. "Detention, the both of you! You're lucky that none of the houses have any points, or I'd dock you fifty apiece myself!"

"Minerva, if I may..." Snape intervened, "Perhaps I could handle the punishment of my students?"

"Very well Serverus," McGonagall said. "See to it!"

She walked away, and Snape whirled around to face his two students. "Do it again and you'll serve a detention... _together!_" he hissed venomously.

"Oh hell no!" Daphne said, her prim decour gone.

"That's not so bad - yeah, got it," Haru said quickly once Snape glared at him.

"Now if tonights'... festivities are over..." they all looked to see Dumbledore at his podium. "I believe that the new Defense Against the Dark Arts teacher, Madam Deloris Umbridge, has something to say."

-----

"I. Hate. You," Daphne grit out as she led Haru to the dungeons. It was part of Snape's punishment.

"That's a shame because I love you," Haru said in a horribly serious voice.

"Fuck you Potter!"

"Believe me, I wish you would," he shot back.

"Don't make me curse you!"

"I've had worse."

"You are such an asshole!" she finally exploded, jabbing her finger into his hard chest. "I don't know _how_ you're related to the other Potter!"

"Sometimes I wonder as well..." Haru sighed dramatically. "So, you single?"

"Don't think for a second that I'd ever consider liking you, let alone dating you!" Daphne snarled.

Haru shrugged. "Who said anything about dating?" he asked. "You a virgin?" he easily dodged her slapping hand. "Touchy!"

"I swear to Merlin, God must have created you to be _the most_ aggravating person in the world!" she muttered.

"Life's boring if you don't screw around with it every once in a while," Haru said, acting normal for once. It surprised the girl. "Otherwise, what fun is there?"

"Deep, Potter," Daphne scoffed.

He grinned sideways at her. "I have my moments."

"Too few and far between your constant need to prove that you're a moron."

"And don't you forget it!" Haru wagged his finger at her, skipping away merrily.

"Hey! Potter! The common room's _this_ way!"

-----

"Man what a depressing place," Haru commented upon seeing the Slytherin common room for the first time. "What do you guys do for fun around here, besides _not_?"

"Har har," Daphne said, pushing him in. "For your information, we have parties where we discuss the current political news, share stories of our families, and read when the time warrents it."

"So I'll ask again, what do you guys do for fun?" Haru asked, rolling his eyes. "Pretending to be grown-up doesn't count."

Daphne bristled. "We don't pretend to be grown-ups!" she snapped at him.

"You're fifteen," Haru pointed out. "God, go get laid."

"If I'm going to 'get laid', it certainly won't be with you Potter!"

"Oh, look at me cry a river!" Haru mock-whined. "My heart, it bleeds!"

"Looks like you and the black sheep Potter are getting alone swell Greengrass," a blond haired kid smirked, walking up with the two humanoid boulders.

"Shut it Malfoy," Daphne sniffed. "I didn't realise that the son of a fourteenth century family could speak to a daughter of a ninth century family as if they were... equals?"

Malfoy flushed and turned his nose up at her. "So Potter, you're in Slytherin eh?" he asked, attempting to make conversation with Haru.

"You just realized that now?" Haru asked incredulously. "Are you suffering from mental retardation?" 

Malfoy looked pissed. "I am not retarded!" he shouted.

"Well then I certainly pegged you as mega-gay," Haru said, pointing at various parts of Malfoy. "Meticulously styled faggot hair, immaculate designer robes and dare I say, foundation and eyeliner?!"

"What are you talking about," Malfoy asked haughtily, but he could hear the snickers of his fellow housemates. "I am neither retarded nor gay!"

"Coulda fooled _me_, ya pouf," Haru muttered. "I'll tell you this now: IF we're rooming together and I ever see your pecker out of your pants, I swear to God that I'll cut it off and mail it to your gay lover."

"You talk big!" Malfoy laughed. "I heard your story! Poor little Potter was abandoned by his parents, left to fend for himself alone! I heard that no one likes you, and that you cover it up by being rude and mean to anyone you see. You're just a pathetic -" He would have continued had Haru not unsheathed both of his katanas, previously hidden under a glamour, and threw them at the arrogant blond.

Since Malfoy was leaning against a wall, he had nowhere to run as the daitos flew towards him, slamming into the walls in an X, just decimeters away from his jugular. Malfoy froze as he stood on his toes, since dropping to his heels would resort in his head rolling across the common room floor. All movement froze in the room as Haru stood up.

He walked slowly towards Malfoy, the other Slytherins hurriedly making a path for him as he crossed the common room. If it was one thing Slytherins knew, it was to leave power alone. As Haru walked, he flicked his wand, and the swords slid out of the wall and back towards him. Malfoy sagged to the ground, breathing a huge breath of relief as he indulged his lungs of denied air. Haru caught his swords easily and sheathed them before stopping in front of Malfoy.

_Crack!_

Malfoy flopped to the ground after Haru's punch, slumping to the ground from Haru's fist-plant into his cheek. Haru continued punching the boy hit after hit, turning Malfoy's face into a bloody mess. Theodore Nott, Blaise Zabini and Adrian Pucey tried to pull Haru off, but the elder Potter twin tossed them away easily, before going back to his brutal assault on the Malfoy heir. Crabbe and Goyle managed to grab both of Haru's arms and yank him away, but Haru smashed the back of his head into Goyle's face, breaking the boy's nose instantly, and the big oaf let go immediately.

Now freed of one arm, Haru used it to repeatedly smash his fist into Crabbe's face, before ending it with a sharp jab to his throat, crushing the boy's windpipe and making him gag. Not caring in the least, Haru descended upon Malfoy's quivering body again like a demon from hell, and let loose his fists again.

"STOP IT!"

Haru froze at the sound of Daphne's voice, his fist inches away from collapsing Malfy's skull. He let go of Malfoy's collar with great reluctance and stood up, making some of the closer students back away quickly. Still breathing hard from his exertion, Haru tore his gaze away from Daphne and glared down at Malfoy.

"What the fuck do you know about me?" he growled, giving Malfoy one last kick to the ribs. His knuckles were heavily bleeding and his whipped his hands around a bit, flicking blood off of them. He started to storm towards the door. Opening it, Haru dissapeared into the corridors, leaving one shocked group of Slytherins behind.

-----

Haru stalked around the dungeons for a while, before opening the door to one of the classrooms and going inside. It looked like a potions classroom. He flopped down into a chair and brooded.

_Maybe I took it a bit too far,_ he mused, glancing at his bloody knuckles. _Then again, I sure as hell secured my position as 'Scary motherfucker" so I guess it's evened out._

He had almost killed Malfoy however. Haru really didn't like it when people made fun of the fact that he had been abandoned. It made him look weak, and he was anything but weak! Still, the only way for that little shit to have known was if his Death Eater father had told him. And if Lucius Malfoy knew about Haru, then the elder Potter twin now knew more than ever that he couldn't go home. He slumped in his chair and poked at the imperfections in the desks' wood. He sat there for what seemed like hours until the door opened. Without even caring, Haru drew his left daito and thrust it backwards in a reverse-grip, letting the kiseki point at the intruder's throat.

"What do you want?" he muttered.

"Just wondering where you ran off to," Daphne's prim, breathy voice replied. He could feel her touch his blade and bring it away from her body.

"I don't run away," Haru said roughly.

"My apologies," Daphne said, sitting down in the desk next to him while he sheathed his sword. "The Slytherins don't know what to make of you."

"Like I care."

"You should," Daphne pointed out. "They can make your life very miserable."

"And I can make their lives very dead," Haru snarled. "Are you gonna fuck off or what?"

"Point taken," Daphne said smoothly. "Are you... alright?"

Haru peered at her. "Thought you hated me," he mumbled. "I'm fine."

"What Malfoy said..." she trailed off slightly.

"You'd do well to forget what he said," Haru said sharply. "After the beating I gave him, I'm sure he's already forgotten."

"Some of the seventh-years took him and the others to the hospital wing," Daphne said. "They're to tell Madam Pompfrey that the group had a spell misfire on them."

"Oh?" Haru said, sitting up a bit. "I was almost sure that you would all whine to Snape-Shit about me."

"Even if we may not like you, you're still a Slytherin!" Daphne snapped. "Slytherins take care of their own, no matter what."

"You sound like a fucking Hufflepuff," Haru yawned, lying back down on the desk. Daphne prodded him.

"Hey!" she growled, though he could hear amusement. "Hufflepuffs are a joke, don't ever compare us to them!" 

"What do you _want_ Greengrass?"

"Many things," she said snootily. "Perfect grades, more friends, this secret war to end, the Dark Lord to die, smaller breasts and a rich husband."

"Smaller breasts?" Haru raised his inked brow.

"Just making sure you were listening," Daphne smirked. "And by the way, I think they're perfect."

"Agreed," Haru yawned again. He missed her smile at that.

"So you're going to sleep here then?" she asked sarcastically.

"Better here than in a dorm where I'm liable to kill the residents," Haru said dismissively. "I'll find somewhere else. You should get lost, don't want to be out after curfew you know."

"Well, I can tell when I'm not wanted!" Daphne said in a hurt tone, though Haru knew she was just playing. "Goodnight Potter."

"There's more than one of us you bimbo, call me Haru," Haru waved, as she was walking out the door. She froze.

"Fine then, Haru," she said. "You pretentious prick."

"Night Daphne."

"I did _not_ say you could address me by my first name!"

"_Good fucking night ikeike!"_


	3. Chapter 3

AN: Gotta love reviews! Also gotta love worthless crap that some people put in their reviews that aren't good comments or constructive criticism. That's why I ALSO love the user block feature. Comes in handy. Sadly, there are precisely six users that are on it. Don't like it, don't read it or comment on it, BOKE. FYI, it's pronnounced "Boe-gee".

Disclaimer: J.K. Rowling owns Harry Potter, Homosexuals Annonymous own Dumbledore, and in Soviet Russia, story owns you.

This story is for pure jokes, nothing serious, everything stupid. Enjoy.

* * *

Haru walked up to Gryffindor Tower, where his brother's common room would most likely be. After terrorizing a group of sixth year Gryffs to direct him to the porthole, Haru entered the forbidden territory and sought out his brother. It looked like Harry was in the midst of a confrontation with some ugly Irishman.

"I'll have a go at anyone who calls me a liar!" Harry said angrily as he and the Irishman squared off.

"Whoa whoa whoa!" Haru said loudly, making his presence known. He walked up to the stand off. "And just what is Harry lying about here?"

"How'd you get in here?!" the Irishman asked, jabbing his finger at Haru.

"The usual way," Haru said in his tone that he reserved for slow people. "Left foot, right foot, left foot..."

"Dirty Slytherins aren't allowed in the Gryffindor commons!" the guy said, clenching his fists.

"I'll have you know I bathe twice a day at least!" Haru said in a hurt tone. "If anything, it's you dirty Irish that shouldn't be allowed in here."

"What did you say?!"

"I said, 'IF ANYTHING, IT'S YOU DIRTY IRISH -" Haru repeated loudly, but he was cut off.

"I heard you the first time!"

"Well then why the hell did you ask me what I said then?!" Haru shouted. "I swear I must be in the company of morons!"

"Haru, what happened to your hands?!" Hermione gasped, running up and grabbing them. "They're bleeding!"

"Oh that?" Haru asked, still glaring at the kid. "I guess it's the only downside of beating the living shit out of some blonde fudge packer."

"You beat up Malfoy?" Hermione asked with a wrinkled nose. "Honestly Haru!"

"Honestly Hermione, if you keep up that pose, the guys will die of massive nosebleeds," Haru said, pointing at Hermione's rear.

The way the girl was standing was slightly hunched over in front of Haru while she held his hand, sticking her behind out, which happened to let her shortened skirt ride up, revealing the almighty QUAD. And quite a bit of her panties as well. Haru would later berate himself for not turning them into a thong, since that would have made his victory even sweeter.

Anyways, back to the present... Several guys were openly ogling Hermione's ass as she shot straight up and covered said nice asset with her hands, tugging her skirt down as much as she can.

"Damn it Haru!" she cried, turning beet red.

"So does that mean I win?" Haru asked.

"NO!"

"I didn't know Hermione was that -"

"Don't you DARE finish that sentence Dean Thomas, or I'll put you in detention!"

"Shut up!" Seamus shouted, as he stormed up to Haru and Hermione. "Listen here you snake, I won't have you -"

_Wap._

Haru rapped his knuckles against Seamus' forehead, knocking him out in one tap. The Irishman flopped to the ground. "Chill," he said. "Take a breather."

"Is he going to be okay?" Hermione asked, prodding Seamus' form with her toe.

"He'll be fine," Haru said. "Now, you do realise that you've lost, right?"

"And how do you say that?" Hermoine asked primly.

"Judging by the fact that every male in the vicinity have red faces and bloody noses, minus Ron of course," Haru smirked. "That guy's just got a massive hard-on for you."

Said red head abruptly sat down and crossed his leg over the other to hide something from view. Hermione was understandably grossed-out.

"Fine, you've won!" she bit out. "I'll keep dressing like this! Are you happy now?"

"Not as happy as I'd be if you were naked, but yeah, happy enough," Haru said, making her scowl. "Just remember to get some thongs."

"Whatever for?!"

"For _me_, baby!"

"_Hentai!"_ Hermione cried. (Pervert!)

"Eh, how'd you know that? Word, I mean," Haru asked.

Hermione looked haughty. "I decided to look up some Japanese words that would best describe you," she explained. "Believe me, there were quite a few, but _hentai_ was the best match."

"Well, as long as you like giving me nicknames, I'll give you one too," Haru mused, making Hermione huff indignantly. "Harry told me about this one time in your second year that involved a potion, bathroom and some beastiality so..."

Hermione looked horrified and shot a look at Harry that promised pain.

"Kitty!"

"Boy do I want to know what happened between Harry and Hermione," Fred whispered to George.

"'Kitty'?" Hermione asked quietly, her hands balled into fists. "Kitty?!"

"Well, I can see that I've overstayed my welcome, so I'll see you guys later!" Haru said quickly, making for the exit. "Night Kitty!"

He left with a firm, open-palmed slap on Hermione's buttocks, before bolting out the porthole to her terrifying screech.

-----

"Hey, Haru," Daphne asked the next morning as she sat down next to him. "Answer me this."

"Eh?" Haru asked, pausing in his becon-devouring.

"Why is Granger giving you a look that promises excruciating pain, torture and death?"

Haru looked over to Gryffindor table, where said girl was indeed giving him said looks. "No idea," he said. With a wave, he happily cried out, "Morning Kitty!"

The goblet Hermione held in her hand was bent inwards, and Harry and Ron shuffled a few seats away from her.

"You just love getting into trouble, don't you," Daphne muttered, helping herself to some fruit. Haru watched as she sensually ate some strawberries. "What?"

"Must everything you do be a tease?" he asked her point-blankly.

"I am not being a tease!"

"You are! You're sucking on those strawberries like you're sucking on a big hard -"

"Okay, I've lost my appetite," Daphne groaned, pushing the plate of food away. "And I am NOT a tease."

"Okay then," Haru said. Then, in a stage whisper, "Friggin' tease."

"_What_ did you just say?"

"I love you."

"Oh, for Merlin's sake!"

She looked annoyed, but Haru could tell from her shining Pacific-Ocean-coloured-eyes that she was tickled with amusement. He knew that girls of her type loved to be complimented and doted on.

"So, what's our first class of the day?" he asked.

"We'll know when we get -"

"Your schedules," an oily voice said. They turned to see Snape. He handed Haru and Daphne their class schedules. "And once Mr. Malfoy is out of the hospital wing in a few hours, he'll get his as well," Snape added with a glare to Haru.

"Oh?" Haru asked, milking it. "What's he in there for?"

"I believe you know," Snape said between grit teeth.

"Actually, I don't, I was too busy in Gryffindor Tower slapping some girl's ass last night," Haru told his head of house.

More metal being wrenched could be heard two tables over.

"Good day Potter, Greengrass."

As Snape billowed away, Haru commented, "He really needs to get laid. Of course, the woman's gotta be shitfaced before going into bed with that guy."

Daphne dropped her forehead to the table, repeatedly.

-----

"So, Potter Sr., what would I get if I combined Banshee blood with the skin of a Lethifold?" Snape asked.

"No idea," Haru said lazily. "Something akin to disease-ridden orangutan poop."

"Five points from Slytherin," Snape barked. "Let's try again: What potion grants you the ability to float for a short amount of time?"

"The potion that makes you float for a short amount of time, commonly known as the Potion of Floating, or Heavy Indigestion," Haru answered breezily.

"Five points for your cheek," Snape snarled. "Last chance Potter Sr.: Give me an example of why I should let your pathetic excuse of a mind in my classroom?"

"Because if you don't, I'll sell the pictures of you and Malfoy to the Daily Prophet," Haru replied.

"Fifty points from Slytherin!" Snape screamed.

"Jeez, you sure you're a cunning, sly head of house?" Haru asked. "Slytherin doesn't even have any points to take off yet."

"GET OUT!" Snape roared. "AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'VE CURBED YOUR CHEEK AND ARROGANCE!"

"Alright, peace," Haru said, hopping out of his and Daphne's table and skipping out the door while whistling "It's a Hard Knock Life".

-----

"Mr. Potter. Senior," McGonagall said. "Would you demostrate how to transfigure a mouse into a goblet to the class?"

"What kind of goblet?" Haru asked blithly, while Daphne held in her giggles. It was one thing being a jerk to her... and another to the teachers!

McGonagall's lips pursed. "Any kind will do," she said.

"Okay then," Haru said, his tongue sticking out between his lips as he readied his wand. "Rodent-cup, here we go!"

He waved his wands a few times, and the small mouse on McGonagall's table was transformed into a perfectly shaped porcelien goblet. Albiet, with the words _Hermione likes spankings_ written in red cursive script with gold underlining all around it.

McGonagall flopped into her chair with her head in her hands. "Ten points for a perfect transformation," she sighed. "Five points off for writing something I did _not_ need to see."

-----

Lunch time came about afterwards, and Haru dragged a protesting Daphne over to the Gryffindor table, pushing down on her shoulders to make her sit next to Hermione.

"Haru!" she seethed. "Don't think you can make me sit with these dimwitted, ignorant, moronic..."

She trailed off as she saw the rest of the table glare at her. "Gryffindors," she finished lamely. "Hi."

"Hello Gryffindor!" Haru cried brightly, wedging himself between the two girls. "And hell_ooo_ Hermione!"

"I am going to _kill_ you," Hermione told him.

"Hey, don't talk like that!" Haru said with a smile, wrapping his arm around the girl with the twitching eye. "I had no idea that the wind would kick up after I transfigured your panties into a crotchless thong during Care of Magical Creatures! Honest! Besides, no one but me saw!"

"That's bad enough!" Hermione hissed. "_Hentai!_"

"You make it sound as if it's an insult," Haru shrugged. "Besides, you got a nice one anyways."

"Detention!"

"Won't go to it."

"Twenty points from Slytherin!"

"The hourglass doesn't go into negatives."

"I'm going to curse you Potter!"

"Okay, take it easy!" Haru said, jumping up. "It was just a harmless joke! Would it make you feel better if I said that due to it, I wouldn't mind getting some of that?"

"Potter!" Daphne growled.

"Uh oh, his girlfriend's jealous," Ron laughed. Daphne swiveled her glare towards him.

"What did you say?" she threatened.

Meanwhile, Hermione had somehow gotten Haru into a headlock, and was squeezing with all her might. "You. Are. Going. To. Regret. That!" she growled, while Haru flailed in front of her.

"Not as much as I'm going to regret this!" he called over his shoulder. As Hermione pondered on what he was saying, Haru reached back and grabbed her by the bum, squeezing each cheek tightly, making her squeal in shock. She immediately released her hold of Haru, and he booked it out of the Great Hall as fast as he could, with her hot on his tail.

"I tell you, Hogwarts has gotten much more interesting since he came along," Nearly-Headless Nick commented to the Bloody Baren.

-----

Haru was running for his life down the dungeons when he caught site of Tracy up ahead. He skidded to a stop in front of the bewildered girl and grabbed her by the arms, prostrating himself.

"Tracy!" he cried. "Aphrodite Incarnate, Goddess Divine, love of my life!"

"What?" she asked.

"If Hermione Granger comes down this hall, tell her I went to hide in the Greenhouses!" Haru said in a panic. "I'm outta here!"

He took off towards the Astronomy Tower. Tracy stood there as Granger came about half a minute later.

"Did you see where Haru went?!" she asked wildly, grabbing Tracy by the collar.

The older Slytherin girl merely pointed towards the Greenhouses.

"Thanks!" Hermione yelled over her shoulder as she ran away. "Ten points to Slytherin!"

Tracy stood there, dumbstruck. For five minutes, she just stayed rooted in the same spot, wondering what the hell had just happened. A body fell in front of her, and she squeaked. Haru was hanging upside-down from an overhanging tapestry. "Is she gone?!" he whispered.

-----

Eventually, Hermione gave up her pursuit of Haru, since every male she ran into on the way seemed to have their eyes gravitate towards her breasts or ass, so she slowly trudged back up to the common room in defeat. Haru had retreated to the safety (or rather, dangerousness) of the Slytherin commons, and flopped down onto the couches.

"Busy day I see," Daphne announced, coming out of the girl's dorms. Classes were over (Haru skipped DADA and Astronomy so he could hide) and she was dressed in a set of cute pajamas. She sat down next to Haru's head. "Hey!"

Haru wormed his horizontal form upwards, so that his head rested on her lap. "Potter! I am not a pillow!"

"But you're so warm and soft and smell nice!" Haru complained. "Plus I can see up your shirt from here."

She angrily tugged her shirt down a bit. "Pervert," she muttered. "Try it again and I'll knock you to the floor!"

"Duly noted," Haru said, moving his arms so he could support his head. Daphne adjusted herself accordingly, and awkwardly sat there while Haru was on her lap. "So how were afternoon classes?"

"A nightmare," Daphne told him, picking up a random book on the nightstand next to the couch. "Your brother made a fool of himself during DADA today. Although I'm sure that to his adoring public, he looked like a hero. He pissed that Umbridge wench off about the Dark Lord and all that garbage."

"Good old Harry, thinking with his Emo-ness," Haru smiled. "Anything else?"

"Not much," Daphne murmured, enveloped in her book. She was deeply reading it, and Haru sighed and lay back, enjoying the warmth her wonderful thighs radiated. Her free hand started wandering, and started to run through his long hair. It froze suddenly, as if she had just realized what she was doing.

"You know," Haru started with a grin.

"Continue and I'll bury this hardcover novel into your genitals," Daphne warned.

"I've always liked my genitals," Haru said quickly. "Good book?"

"Very," was her reply.

"I see. You probably wouldn't want to touch it after it touched my balls then."

"... Go to Hell Haru."

"Gladly. All the sinners go there, and according to the religious folk, anyone whose had sex before marraige is a sinner, therefore all the horny young people are down there!" he said.

"Right, well I'm going to read my book, and you're going to enjoy the time you spend on my lap, because I highly doubt that it will _ever_ happen again!"

"Of course," Haru said, and she gave a triumphant nod. "Because in the future, it'll be you on _my_ lap, most likely bouncing up and down. And naked."

"EUURGH!" Daphne growled, standing up and depositing Haru onto the concrete floor. "Goodnight Haru!"

"Night sweetheart!" Haru called after her. He saw her visibly flinch as she paused in her way to her dorm.

-----

The next day, Haru showed up to DADA, and took his seat next to Daphne, but in view of Harry, Ron, and an eye-twitching Hermione. As class started, his occular senses were bombarded with pink as Professor Umbridge walked into the room with a sinisterly sweet smile on her face.

"My my, it appears that the elder Potter twin has decided to show up today!" she simpered, stopping by Haru. "Mr. Potter, do you have a reason as to why you did not attend my class yesterday?"

"Sorry Professor, I was running away from a vicious cat in heat," Haru told her, making Hermione snap her quill in half with her clenched fist. "From what I've heard, I was a fool to miss the class."

Umbridge smiled at him. "Very well, you are forgiven just this one time then," she told him. "I trust you have the ministry-approved reading material?"

Haru smiled blandly, whipping out said useless dead tree. "Oh, what would I do without it?" he replied, showing her a mint first edition print of the textbook. Umbridge looked overjoyed that at least one Potter was a good boy.

"Excellent!" she said, walking to the front of the class. "You mall all turn to Chapter Two: Shielding Charms, and read for the rest of the class. Any questions may be posted with a firm hand in the air. You may begin."

Ten minutes into the silence, Haru raised his hand. Daphne grumbled to herself and tried to pull it down, but all that did was make him hold her hand while he raised his other one. She buried her face into her book as Umbridge called on him.

"Yes Mr. Potter?" she asked.

"I was just wondering about something," Haru said, "That this text doesn't explain?"

Umbridge's smile faltered. "And what would that be?" she asked.

"Well it was good at explaining on how and when to cast the Protego shield, but one thing I noticed was that it didn't tell me about the duration or power of the shield?"

Umbridge's smile returned, though it looked slightly relieved. "Ah yes Mr. Potter," she said ."That is because every witch and wizard vary in power, so the textbook cannot accurately tell you exactly how long or strong your shield may be. Through some studies, a Protego shield can last anywhere from three seconds to over eight minutes. Does that satisfy your question?"

"Yes Ma'am!" Haru said.

"Most pleasing, five points to Slytherin for an excellent question," Umbridge praised. "You would do well to write this down class."

After DADA let out, Haru was approached by Harry and the others. "Haru, what was that all about?" Harry asked curiously.

Haru shuddered. "If it's one thing I know, don't mess with Mother Nature, Mother Theresa, and mother freaking fanatics," he muttered. "I wouldn't dare start anything with that woman."

"Why not?" Ron asked. "It's obvious that Umbridge and the ministry are a bunch of liars! So what if you lose points of get a detention?"

"I'm not worried about things I don't care about," Haru said seriously. Perhaps seriously for the first time they'd ever seen. "If it's another thing I know, it's that politicians have way more power than the strongest wizard. Words can hurt just as much as a Crucio."

"He's right, much as I loathe to admit it," Hermione said, shooting Haru a dirty look. "Listen Harry, you've got to keep your temper in check around her. Who knows what she and Fudge can do to you!"

"I reckon she's right Harry," Ron added helpfully.

"Fine, I'll try my best, but no garuntees!" Harry muttered.

"Even still, we can't possibly hope to be able to face You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters if we can't even practice defensive magic!" Hermione fumed. "We have _got_ to do something about it!"

"Figure something out then," Haru told her. "As for me, I'm hungry. C'mon baby-cakes!"

"What did I tell you about - gah!" Daphne squeaked as Haru dragged her away to the Great Hall. "Haru Potter, you let me go this instant or I'll..."

Harry watched the two dissapear from the corridor. Shaking his head, he thought to himself, _And we're related __**how**_


End file.
